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It’s Now Official: Soccer Is the World’s Most Boring Sport

Congratulations to the U.S. Women’s World Cup team for reaffirming soccer’s status as the most boring sport ever invented. The match against Sweden went on for two hours with the girls sprinting around the field here there and everywhere, but not a single goal was scored. By either team. Not one. Zero to zero. Until the U.S. lost in a penalty shootout.

It was as thrilling as watching paint dry. Actually less so. At least after two hours, paint DOES dry.

There were no goals scored in the U.S. team’s previous match as well and in the game before that, the U.S. suddenly went on a scoring spree with ONE goal. A real offensive juggernaut. Can someone please introduce the west coast offense to soccer?

One might think that the international soccer gods would figure out some way to ensure scoring and discourage stalling as teams spend half the game passing the ball backwards toward their own goal in retreat. If wars were fought like this World War 2 would still be going on.

What to do? Maybe double the size of the goal. Get rid of the absurd offsides rule which makes it nearly impossible to score a goal. In overtime, keep reducing the number of players on the field until someone scores a goal rather than the absurdity of deciding the outcome with penalty kicks. (Isn’t this supposed to be a TEAM sport?)

In the meantime, if you want to be entertained by soccer, just watch Ted Lasso on Apple TV.

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